It's been over a month since I last posted. 2017 has been a tough year in regards to my health. My rheumatoid arthritis (RA) has spun completely out of control and I was without a rheumatologist for a few months. My pain levels have been so far above what I can handle a good part of the time and it's taken a toll. The depression that so often accompanies chronic illness has gotten worse. My anxiety has been through the roof. A couple of months ago, I started having panic attacks after years of not having them. Some of them have been the worst I've ever had. Where's Jack Pearson when you need him? Seriously.
If you don't know who that is, Jack is the patriarch of the Pearson family on NBC's hit shot This is Us. I only just got into it in the past six weeks or so, but I'm completely hooked. Jack, played by Milo Ventimiglia, has quickly become one of my favorite fictional fellas. The reason I bring this up is because some of my favorite scenes from the first season are the ones between Jack and his adopted son Randall. I love their relationship and I find myself relating to Randall because we see him struggling with anxiety. We also see Jack calming him down.. Anxiety is such an awful thing on its own. Throw the depression and RA and everything else in there and things can get out of hand very easily. They all feed off of each other. We could all use a Jack Pearson to help out us in those awful moments.
In any event, pain - chronic pain, especially - is a tricky thing. It can be a dangerous thing, especially when it's unrelenting. It doesn't just affect you physically; it messes with your mind. It can cause you to lose your grip. To lose yourself as a person. It impacts everything. I have not been in a good head space for most of this year. I've been sad and scared, angry and frustrated. I've been bitter and resentful. I've isolated myself from friends. I have felt useless and worthless and my self-esteem has pretty much been in the toilet. It felt like I had lost my voice. That I had lost my hope. I've been tempted to give up. I had turned into someone I barely recognized and I hated it. I needed a change and I needed it badly.
The first step was to get a new rheumatologist and come up with a treatment plan to get the RA back under control. Find better ways to deal with the anxiety. Make an effort to stop isolating myself. I decided that I also needed to reclaim my voice and get back to writing again. This was hard at first as I couldn't bring myself to start working on anything. Then something happened. A somewhat new friend of mine inadvertently gave me the inspiration that I needed.
See, pain has a way of causing a kind of spiritual amnesia. I'm a Christian. I believe in God and yet I struggle with my faith. It's not that I start questioning if He exists; I know He does. It's that I focus on the pain and find myself forgetting things about Him. Like His faithfulness, for example. I forget that as big as my problems sometimes feel, my God is bigger than all of them. I forget that God is still God, no matter what happens. I forget that my God is a healer. I forget that He still has a plan for my life, even when it doesn't seem like it. I forget that God can turn our biggest messes into something beautiful. I forget that there is comfort to be found in the middle of even the most horrific storms. There is still hope. Even when you can't feel it. There is always hope.
I was reminded of all of that. I was also reminded that you need to gain control over your emotions. It's not that you try to suppress your emotions; in my experience, you can only do that for so long. It's not about trying not to feel anything at all. That's not good either. It's about accepting them as they come and then choosing to let them go. You can choose not to be resentful. You can choose not to be bitter. You can choose to be hopeful instead. You can choose to be joyful. It may not be easy at first, but you can do it.
In choosing the songs for this installment of this series, I decided that I needed to go with the songs that speak the most to me in this time in my life. I'm still not in what you'd call a great place mentally. But I'm getting there. One moment at a time. It is my sincere hope and prayer that these songs may speak to you as well.
Let's get started.